Broken Open
by thesewordsareknivesenough
Summary: Whenever I'm sad, I pretend to not be sad and pretend to be awesome instead. Contains self-harm and eating disorders. Canon pairings. Set after 7.10.
1. I

**Hey, I think this will be a short fic, but the idea's been floating around in my head for a while, so here goes. **

**TRIGGER WARNINGS - SELF-HARM, SUICIDE MENTIONS, EATING DISORDERS, PANIC ATTACKS. **

* * *

><p>Barney hated how his friends were always fine without him. Lily had Marshall and Marshall had Lily, Robin never needed anyone and Ted was usually happy by himself, reading or thinking about whatever shit he thought about. Barney had been this way since he was a kid, having issues with inclusion. Every time Ted said so easily that Marshall was his best friend, Barney would correct him in the hope he would call him his best friend.<p>

He wanted to be needed, central in someone's life.

He sat on his grey living room floor, slumped against the couch. He nursed his scotch, twisting his wrist so the shrinking ice cubes made a soft twinkling noise in the glass. He passed it to his left hand and idly scratched his left wrist with his right hand. His jacket lay on the floor beside him, rumpled, which was extremely out of character for Barney. He found he didn't care about his suit jacket at that moment. All the memories he had ever had about rejection flashed through his mind.

He remembered the first time he met Shannon, and how she had barely noticed him for the first few weeks. He remembered applying for jobs, being rejected on the spot by his appearance. He remembered how he had made himself sick after each interview to make himself feel better, more attractive. He remembered Robin, feeling disgusted at the thought of sleeping with him the morning after they watched the Sandcastles in the Sand video. He remembered how he hadn't eaten for three days after that, and had thrown up anything he did eat for another two days after that.

He remembered how he had abruptly excused himself at the bar as Ted was discussing best man details with Marshall for his wedding with Stella. Barney had tried to join in their conversation, but found he was white noise to the other two men. He remembered how he had cut his wrists that night, enjoying the way blood ran onto his bathroom floor.

He remembered the worst moment of his life, earlier that evening. That long, never ending moment when Robin walked into the bar, and he realised just how in love with her he was. Then the longer moment that came after, when Kevin walked in behind her and Robin just looked at him.

He stumbled to his feet, his scotch splashing in the glass. He walked numbly to his bathroom, stumbling slightly due to his intoxicated state. He leaned against the door frame as he took another gulp of his drink. He slid down the doorframe and put his glass on the floor beside him. He unbuttoned the sleeve on his long sleeved white shirt and pushed it up toward his shoulder.

He just wanted to feel something other than all this rejection. He was sick of the rejection, sick of being ignored and in the background. He had tried, repeatedly, to bring himself into people's lives, as he had on the night he met Ted to "teach him how to live," but it only seemed to work for a couple of hours, before they went back to their own lives.

From the inside pocket of his jacket, he pulled out a small, flat wooden box. He always carried this around, enjoying the sense of security it gave him. He flicked the latch and opened it. Taking a small metal piece from it, he tossed the box aside.

He placed the razor against his arm and made one sweeping motion. Blood immediately dripped from the gash onto his suit pants, but again, he didn't care. The pain was excruciating, but he basked in it. He made another cut, and another, and another. He felt like all the rejection he had ever faced was flowing out of his arm.

He lay there for a few minutes, not bothering to stem the blood flow. A small pool of blood at gathered around him, soaking his pants and the bottom of his now red shirt.

Eventually he came to his senses and sat up, pressing his hand to his wrist. The cuts had begun to clot, and he got shakily to his feet. That's a lot of blood, he thought, glancing wearily at the pool around his feet.

He got a hand towel from the bench and wrapped it around his wrist. His head swam from the blood loss and he released his wrist to balance himself on the bench. He sat down and opened the cupboard, blindly reaching for the stack of bandages he knew were in there. He jerkily wrapped his wrist, starting from his elbow out of habit.

That was when he threw up. Alcohol mixed with blood loss was never a good combination, after all. Propped himself up on his elbows, crawling along the floor to the toilet. He leaned against the toilet bowl as he vomited.

He laid on the floor, staring at the ceiling. This is the lowest moment, he thought. This is the lowest moment of Barney Stinson.

After a while his back hurt and his arm ached, so he moved from the bathroom to his bed. He fell asleep instantly, the last image in his mind before he fell asleep was Robin's face staring at him in pity earlier in the evening.

* * *

><p>Lily was concerned about Barney. They hadn't seen or heard from him all day, and they all knew a new waitress at MacLaren's had a shift today, because Barney had been talking non-stop about it for two weeks. He wouldn't miss that.<p>

Ted and Marshall were arguing good-naturedly about something, Robin and Kevin watching them with interest. Lily sat there, wondering where Barney could be. Eventually she decided she had to find him and got to her feet.

"Where you going?" Robin asked.

"Just out, my friend's in town, gotta go see her."

Boobs? Barney's voice echoed through her mind, like a broken record.

She had already called him repeatedly, but he hadn't answered. She caught a cab to his apartment, worrying the whole time in the elevator. She had seen his face yesterday when Robin and Kevin had walked in and figured that something had happened, but had absolutely no idea what it could be.

She knocked on his door and waited, but when nothing happened she took his spare key out of her purse. She had pinched it from Ted when he wasn't looking.

Walking inside, the place was deserted. "Hello?" she called. No answer. She put her purse down on the table behind Barney's sofa and walked past his kitchen to his room. Barney lay, unconscious on his bed and covered in blood.

"Shit." Lily swore as she rushed to his side. The sleeves on his dress shirt had ridden up and he had a bandage wrapped really badly around his wrist. He seemed fine other than his wrist. Lily knelt on the mattress beside him and gently shook his shoulders.

"Barney." She shook him again. "Barney!" She was panicking now, what had happened to him? She stopped shaking him to look at his wrist. The bandage barely concealed what was underneath it, and Lily could see fresh cuts covering his arm. She gasped as she quickly but gently unwrapped his arm. Dry blood caked his arm and both his hands and his pants.

"Fuck." Lily rarely swore, but she could only guess how he got these cuts, and she didn't like the conclusion she came to.

This was when Barney woke up. He groaned and brought his mutilated wrist to his forehead. He blinked sleepily.

"Lily?" He looked confused. "What are you-?"

"Barney." Lily said gently. "Why did you do this?"

He glanced at his wrist. "Shit, okay, Lily, honey." She glared at him, knowing he was about to launch into a fake story.

"Barney." She said warningly.

He sighed. "It doesn't matter, Lily, can you leave?" His head hurt from his hangover, his throat hurt from vomiting and his wrist was throbbing in pain.

"No! I'm not leaving." Lily's voice was shrill, biting into Barney's brain. She climbed to her feet off the bed.

"Fine, let me get changed, then." She hesitated before leaving, shutting the door behind him. Barney got shakily to his feet, looking down at himself. The end of the bandage was stuck to his arm due to the dried blood. He pulled it off and walked slowly to his bathroom. He ran the water over his arm, flinching at the sting. He turned off the tap and stared blankly at himself in the mirror. He hated the way his eyes were dead, the way his hair fell in his face. He hated his jawline, his nose, his shoulders. He hated everything.

He turned away from the mirror before the thoughts ran away with themselves. He unbuttoned his shirt, dropping it in the washing basket. He unbuckled his pants, letting them drop to the floor. His mind refused to acknowledge how loose his pants were on him now, believing they were getting too tight.

He climbed in the shower, turning the tap on. He sat on the floor, letting the water run over his head. The water was red briefly before clearing out and down the drain. He was still in shock from waking up. He had thought Robin was hovering above him, as she had been the other night, but when realised it was actually Lily, the events of the last few days crashed down on him again, Robin's face swirling through his mind. His torso shuddered as he began to cry, the tears mixing with the water.

He wanted to cut again, the compulsion taking him over. He fumbled for a razor that he kept on the shower ledge. He lent back against the wall and brought his arm out. He hovered the razor over his skin before remembering Lily waiting outside. She had already seen his cuts, what would she say? Would she hate him? She probably would. He remembered her piercing gaze as she asked why he had cut himself and shuddered.

Would she tell the others? She probably already had. She didn't have the best track record with keeping secrets, especially around Marshall. Hell, she had probably already texted everyone on her contact list about his mental instability.

His breathing had stared to quicken and his torso shook harder. Shit, he thought. Shit. Shit! He stared hyperventilating and pressed the razor closer to his skin to calm down. He always felt better when he cut, all his problems and anxieties dribbling out of his wrist. He pulled the razor across his skin, reopening an old scar. His breathing quickened, instead of slowing down like he hoped. He was crying harder now, too scared of what was going to come, too scared of seeing Robin again, seeing the pity.

The bathroom door cracked open and Lily peeked in. She heard sobbing sounds from outside and figured it was best to see what was happening to Barney. She hadn't texted anyone, she had been hovering outside Barney's bedroom door for twenty minutes, anxiously waiting for him to walk out.

Barney was sitting naked on the shower floor, his wrist bleeding again. He was clutching a razor in his hand and looked like he was having a panic attack. She watched him as he brought the razor to cut himself again and she rushed forward, grabbing the wrist holding the razor. He looked up at her, blinking through the tears. She pried the razor from his hand and he tried to snatch it back, still hyperventilating, but she gently pulled it off him. She reached up to turn the tap off, ignoring the fact he was completely naked.

She knelt just outside the shower and contemplated what to do. She had done basic medical training in order to become a teacher, but figured his wrist was secondary to his panic attack.

"Barney." She said gently. "I need you to breathe with me. Breathe in." She waited a few seconds before continuing. "And out." She stroked his shoulder as she spoke, and kept her breathing commands going until he finally calmed down. She helped him to his feet and walked him to the toilet. She closed the lid and sat him on it, gently placing his arm on his lap. She got him a towel and placed it over his lap before turning to the cabinet. In there, she found an entire stack of bandages and various other first aid supplies. How often does he cut himself? She thought, seeing how prepared he was at dealing with wounds. She grabbed some antiseptic and an alcohol wipe and turned back to Barney. His panic attack was over, but he was still crying softly.

"This is going to sting." She warned him before carefully wiping his cuts with antiseptic. He barely flinched. She got a bandage from the cupboard and expertly wrapped his wrist, making sure it wasn't too tight for comfort.

There was a long pause as Barney stopped crying and avoided her eyes. He stood, wrapping the towel around him and walked slowly toward his bedroom. She followed him and sat at the end of his bed, looking at her hands on her lap as he dressed in his oversized closet. He walked back out soon after and hovered nervously in the doorway.

"Barney," she looked up at him and patted the space next to her on the bed. He hesitantly sat beside her. "You going to tell me what that was about?"

Robin. His first thought was.

"It's really none of your-" She glared at him.

"Don't give me that crap. I care about you Barney, I want you to be okay. And that," she gestured toward the bathroom, "Was clearly not okay!"

Barney didn't answer, just looked at his feet.

"How long have you been hurting yourself?" Lily put a hand on his but he shook her off.

There was a long pause, but Lily waited for him to answer.

"Since I was sixteen." He mumbled. Lily drew in a breath. That was too long to go unnoticed.

"You want to tell me about it?" Barney shook his head.

"Do you want me to get you an appointment?" She asked softly.

"I don't need help." He muttered, knowing everything that had happened contradicted this.

"Barney, I'll make an appointment this morning. Now come on, I'll make you breakfast."

He started panicking again.

"I'm not hungry." He spoke loudly, glancing at Lily. She could see the panic in his eyes and was shocked and confused by it.

"You need to eat." She remembered when she had come back to New York from San Francisco a while back. She had stayed at Barney's place for nearly two weeks, and he hadn't had any food whatsoever in the apartment then.

"When was the last time you ate?" Lily asked. Barney shrugged.

"Yesterday?" He didn't sound very sure, but Lily did remember seeing him share chicken wings with them all at the bar two days ago.

She suddenly remembered most of the times she had seen Barney eat. He always excused himself after meals, usually to go to the bathroom or to chase a girl, but they didn't really track his location all the time.

"Okay. Let me ask you this." Lily knew she didn't really want the answer to the question she was about to ask. "When was the last time you ate something without throwing it up afterward?"


	2. II

**I'd like to note that I'm assuming that Barney was born in 1974 and season 7 episode 10 onward was about November 2011 for the sake of the plot. I also know absolutely nothing about Call of Duty, so ignore any mistakes in that scene. **

There was a long silence. Lily's words echoed through his mind. _When was the last time you ate something without throwing it up afterward?_

Did he want her to know? Not really. The last time someone had found out about his eating behaviours was just after he started cutting, and it made him so much worse. Then again, it had made him feel better after the time he was worse, knowing someone knew and would help him.

"Lily," he sighed. "You don't want to know the answer." Lily shook her head slowly.

"I'm sure I do, Barney."

"I was twelve. A kid at school called me fat among other things. I threw up my lunch in the school bathroom and just kept doing it, I guess."

Lily drew in a shaky breath. She had seen how thin Barney was in the bathroom, but had thought he'd being doing it since he was twelve. That was four years before he started cutting, she realised. How messed up was his childhood?

She put a hand on his shoulder but he shrugged it off and scratched his bandaged arm.

"I'm going to go make some breakfast." She said, standing up. "You coming?" He nodded reluctantly and followed her out of the room to the kitchen. He sat on his grey couch, slumped against the back and stared at the TV wall with dead eyes. Lily watched him for a moment with sad eyes before turning to the kitchen to see what food he had. There was a full packet of pasta in the pantry and a few tins of coffee, but other than that there wasn't much. She sighed and pulled the pasta out. She set a pot to boil and poured a decent amount of pasta into it. As it cooked, she stirred it and watched Barney. He hadn't moved and was still staring blankly at the wall. She put the pot to simmer and went to ginger sit beside Barney.

"What happened last night?" She said softly and waited for him to answer.

"I slept with-" He let out a shaky breath and put his head in his hands. "I slept with Robin the night after the storm finished. We split a cab home."

There was a long silence. "I assume Nora found out." _Shit_, Barney thought. _I forgot about Nora, she must be heartbroken. Not that she'd be heartbroken about you. _

"Robin was going to break up with Kevin, and I was going to break up with Nora, and we could…be together." Barney's torso shook as his breath caught. "I was the only one that went through with it." His face was wet now as he cried softly.

"You love her." Lily realised.

Barney nodded and looked at her, their eyes meeting. Lily could see the vulnerability in his face, and was surprised by it, considering Barney always bottled up his emotions.

She broke the look and got up, remembering the pasta. She found a bowl and poured it in.

"Here." She handed him the bowl and a fork. He didn't move to take it.

"Please Barney, you need to eat." He reluctantly held the bowl and put a single piece of pasta on the fork. He sat there unmoving. "Barney." He put the pasta in his mouth and chewed. He ate some more and put the bowl on the coffee table.

"I can't eat any more." He said. "My stomach hurts." Lily nodded and took the bowl to the kitchen. She ate some of the pasta herself before emptying the rest into the kitchen bin. She glanced up to Barney as the put it on the sink but found he wasn't there.

"Shit." She muttered as she rushed through Barney's room to the bathroom. The door was shut and she rattled the doorknob, finding it was locked. "Barney!" She bashed her palm against the door. She could hear him retching on the other side and felt sick at the thought. "Open the door." There was no reply except for the sound of a toilet flushing. The door opened a few seconds later to reveal Barney with his eyes downcast, fixated on a spot on the floor. He just stood there, playing with the sleeve of his jacket.

"Come on." She sighed. They walked solemnly back to the living room. Lily took her phone out of her purse and quickly googled something as Barney turned on his massive TV and stared blankly at it. Lily found the number she was looking for and called it, waiting for it to ring.

"Hello, I would like to make an appointment with Dr Hassen." Barneys head swivelled around to glare at her. She turned away from him. "Barney Stinson. S-T-I-N-S-O-N. Today? Yes, that's fine." She could still feel Barney's gaze on her back and cringed. She hated treating him like a patient, but didn't really feel like she had a choice. "Great, thank you. Bye." She hung up and reluctantly turned back to Barney.

"You have an appointment with a psychiatrist at one, I'll take you."

"There's nothing wrong with me." Barney protested, but his voice was monotone and he didn't sound like he believed it himself.

"Let me see your arms." Lily stepped toward him. He moved back slightly but she followed him and gently rolled up his sleeve. The bandage from that morning was already stained slightly. "You probably need a new bandage, do you want me to do it?"

"I can do it." Barney muttered, taking his arm back. He felt vulnerable with his arm exposed to her. He walked to the bathroom with Lily following close behind. "Do you have to follow me?" He snapped, ignoring the feeling he got with being rude to Lily.

She didn't reply, but didn't leave him either. She sat on the edge of his bathtub as he redressed his arm.

"Does anyone else know about any of this?" Barney's movements faltered slightly at the question but he continued wrapping his arm after a beat.

"James knows. When I was seventeen he caught me." Lily didn't ask whether he caught him cutting or throwing up.

"Does he know you still do it?" Barney didn't answer but he straightened and turned toward her, his face showing that vulnerability again.

"You're not going to tell Marshall, are you?" Lily paused then shook her head.

"No. I know I'm not the best at keeping secrets, but this is one that will stay between us. I will tell him that your mum is sick and that I'm going with you to visit her. He has that meeting at work today, so he can't try to come with us." She watched as Barney visibly relaxed at her words. _It matters so much to him what his friends think of him_, she thought.

Lily called Marshall, telling him the excuse she had come up with.

"We have until one," she said to Barney. "What do you want to do?" Barney shrugged.

"We could go play laser tag." He suggested. Lily managed a small smile, at least he was still Barney.

"Fine, we can play laser tag." Barney smiled. "But-" He stiffened. "You have to eat something and keep it down. You need energy to run around."

Barney shook his head. "We can stay here then."

Lily looked like she was going to protest, but he had already sat down on the couch and turned the TV on.

"I have a PS4, come on." She reluctantly sat down beside him and took the remote he offered her. He put a disk into the system and they waited for the game to load in silence.

"Call of Duty," she murmured. "Such as guys game."

"It's fun." He set up the game for two players and showed her the controls. Soon they were running around in the game, Lily following Barney's character. Soon though, she got killed and had to wait to respawn.

"Damn." she said, half heartedly, tossing the remote on the couch beside her. "You keep playing, I'll watch." She watched him blow up some enemies for a while before pulling out her phone. She composed a new message to James.

_We need to talk about Barney. I found out some stuff and he's pretty bad. Seriously, call me at about 2:30, it's important. Lily. _

Her phone buzzed a few seconds later and Barney glanced over. "That Marshall?" He asked.

"Yeah," Lily said, "I'll just answer in the hall, you keep playing."

She answered the phone, knowing it wasn't Marshall. "Hello?"

"Lily, what's wrong? What did he do?" James sounded frantic.

"Calm down, he's fine. Sort of." She started from the beginning, telling him about Robin, Nora and Kevin. He was silent the whole time and was quiet when she finished.

"I made him an appointment at one, I'll make sure he goes."

"Thank you, Lily. I was planning on coming down to New York next month, but I'll come this weekend, be there for him."

"See you then." She hung up and walked back in. Barney was still playing the game, running around like a maniac shooting enemies. His gaze didn't waver from the screen.

"I'm not stupid, you know." He said.

"What? Why would you say that?" She asked, taking her seat again.

"I know that was James." There was another long silence. Barney paused the game and turned to her.

"What did he say?"

"He's coming down this weekend." She looked at her hands. He nodded, his eyes still blank and turned back to the game. She watched him, seeing his face light up as he played, but could still see his blank eyes and bland expression hidden beneath the excitement of the game. She knew she'd seen this expression on him before, had seen it often in fact, but had always disregarded the hard eyes and focused on the dirty innuendo coming out of his mouth, seeing him as shallow.

"It's 12:15, we should start heading out." She interrupted his game. "I want to get lunch on the way as well."

He turned off the play station and TV and stood up. "I'll get my shoes." He was being surprisingly cooperative about the appointment, although she knew it was an act, and knew it would be difficult to get him to eat lunch with her.

The cab ride was awkward. Barney kept shifting in his seat, clearly uncomfortable. _You're so useless, _he thought, _you need a psychiatrist? Weak. You're weak Barney. Robin didn't want you, you're fat and weak. _He twisted his head to try and dispel the thoughts, but nothing ever worked to get the voices to shut up, well, one thing did.

There was a small café across the road from the office. Lily had the cab driver stop there and paid him. As Lily ate lunch, letting it slide when he declined her offer of food, he watched her and wondered how she could just eat so easily, be happy so easily. _Marshall, _he thought. _Marshall makes her happy. She has someone that wants her, noone wants you, that's why you're not happy. _

He couldn't get that image of Robin looking at him in pity the night before out of his head. He felt like it was permanently seared into his head. He could only dim it with sharp objects and scotch. _She loves scotch. _

Fuck, well scotch was ruined.

Dr Hassen was a tall man who didn't say much. He unnerved Barney, the way he watched his every movement. He sat on the cramped couch in the small room beside Lily and waited impatiently while Hassen scribbled words on a pad. Eventually he turned to them and smiled.

"How can I help you today, Mr Stinson, Ms Aldrin?"

"Lily, please." She said, knowing Barney wouldn't be saying anything. "This is Barney."

Hassen nodded and Lily continued. "This morning I was worried about him because some things happened last night that were emotionally traumatic. I went to his apartment and found him…in a state of distress. Barney?"

They both turned to Barney and he avoided their eyes by looking at his lap. He shook his head and didn't say anything.

"Barney." Hassen said. "What happened?" Barney didn't move or say anything.

"For god's sake Barney, he wants to help you. Show him." He brought his eyes up to stare at her in disbelief. She nodded slowly, maintaining eye contact. He sighed and leaned forward on the couch to take his jacket off. He laid it on the couch beside him and unbuttoned the cuff on his shirt, pushing the sleeve up on his left arm.

He was still looking at his lap, but kept his arm bared to the psychiatrist. Lily looked away.

"How long have you been doing this, Barney?" He asked.

"Since I was sixteen."

"How old are you, Barney?"

"Thirty seven." He brought his arm back, pulling the sleeve down. He felt so vulnerable, exposed. _21 years,_ Lily thought.

"Barney, could I please speak to Lily privately for a moment?" He nodded and stood, picking up his jacket. He felt like a child, secrets being kept from him.

When the door closed behind him, Hassen scribbled more notes on his notepad and looked at Lily.

"Could you tell me exactly what happened this morning?" She nodded slowly.

"I found him passed out on his bed, covered in blood. His wrist was bandaged really badly, I guess he'd done it in a rush. He tried to deny that he'd done it himself when he woke up. He went to take a shower, and I was waiting outside for him, but heard him crying through the wall. The other week, he slept with his ex, Robin, and they planned to break up with their respective partners to be together. Last night, he broke up with his girlfriend, but she didn't break up with her boyfriend. He really loves her. He was taking a long time in the shower, so I went in and I found him cutting his arm again-" She paused and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the image of Barney crying on the shower floor, his arm bleeding and his ribs showing. "He was having a panic attack, when that passed I bandaged his arm properly and he got dressed. He has bulimia or something. He said he's thrown up food after eating since he was twelve." He was still scribbling on his pad, glancing up occasionally as she spoke. "I'm surprised we never noticed, or that he's not in hospital for malnutrition. I made him eat some pasta this morning but as soon as I turned my back he'd locked himself in the bathroom to get rid of it." The doctor finished writing.

"Could you tell me more about him, his personality, his family?"

Lily quickly told him about his sex addiction, his history with Robin and Ted, the way he always seemed happy but his eyes betrayed him, his brother and mother, his absent father and who he was before he was the suit man, when he was with Shannon.

"Thank you. Could you send Barney in here, I'd like to talk to him alone, if that's alright?" She nodded and stood. Outside, Barney was sitting in a chair not moving. It broke her heart to see him like this.

"Barney." He looked up. "You can go in."


	3. AUTHOR NOTE

Greetings dear readers,

Due to this platform being completely difficult and ridiculous to use, I have begun moving my work to archive of our own.

you can find it at /user/howstimulatingtheboredom

if this url does not work for whatever reason, you can find my tumblr under the username howstimulatingtheboredom

I should be updating them soon, but frankly school is ridiculous at the moment and my mental health has metaphorically taken a leap off a cliff.

I haven't abandoned these fics

catcha ;)


	4. author note take two

for the guest who left a review on this fic, if you read the author note properly, you would know that i'm not using tumblr to post my work, i'm merely offering you my url as a means of communication if the link to **archive of our own** does not work.

just to reiterate, **my work is now on archive of our own under the username ****howstimulatingtheboredom**

apologies if i was not clear to you


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